I sincerely apologize for any confusion my instagram post from yesterday caused. I know it was brief and didn't make a whole lot of sense or where I was going with that. So here you go...
In a previous blog post I talked about how I went from "Bikini to Yogini." Well the point of yesterday's post was to further that more. I once again am in no way bashing a competitors lifestyle. It has gotten me to where I am today and I am very thankful for it. But I won't be competing again, final decision. I tried that bathing suit on on a whim while I was trying on new outfits I bought. I thought, "Hey let's pull out one of those and see how I look and compare!" Yes, I know that's not a very healthy thought sometimes but I was curious because I was noticing some changes in my body. I snapped a few pics, showed a few select people and loved how I looked at felt. I was extremely nervous about posting a picture like that again, for fear of ridicule and I actually hate showing that much skin. But my mom persuaded me to post it.
Now what people don't tell you when you compete is that when you walk off the stage and start living like a "normal" human being that your brain and self image is in the gutter. I remember for months beating myself up over food I ate. Being angry that when I had a bikini on that it didn't look right. I went Hawaii with my family last summer and was a miserable bitch the entire time. Constantly trying to figure out what the hell I should eat without going off diet. Looking at myself in a bikini before going to the beach going "OMG why is there fat there?! I look horrible!" It sounds silly but when you see yourself so lean for that brief and fleeting moment of time that you worked your ass off for, every time after that looks fat. And no matter who tells you that you don't you just can't believe them.
It is a fleeting moment and an illusion being up on stage, it is extremely unhealthy to stay in that sort of shape. We all know that but we compare and beat ourselves up for not being there.
My last show was October 2012, it really has taken till this year to look at my body and go "wow I feel and look good!" I can eat food and not feel extremely guilty. But as a trainer and as an example to my clients I still try not to be extremely horrible but loosen the reins. I mean let one of my clients bring ale over for Game of Thrones night and we drank it! Of course, while having a healthy meal ;) But it really is all about balance!
I mentioned in my instagram post that I workout 3 days a week and do yoga 6-7 days a week. From just that I noticed I became more shapely in my butt, my abs look better, I have more definition in my legs all over. These were all main goals I had while training and competing. I had finally loosened up about my body image and wasn't so hard and critical on my diet or workouts that everything fell into place.
Last week I showed my client this progress and she asked me, "Do you want to compete again?" My answer was, "No, I had my heels on and I posed and didn't have a feeling whatsoever to step back on that stage." I finally feel fantastic, comfortable, balanced and happy with myself.
Balance is key!